


A Practical Guide to Butts

by Kurt Vonnebutt (Fayhem)



Category: A Practical Guide to Evil - erraticerrata, The Sword of Truth - Terry Goodkind, Transformers (Bay Movies)
Genre: Amber waves of grain, And by that I mean Thanos is dummy thick and deep down you all know it aero, B-U-T-T-S, Can't even hear the snap over the clapping of his butt cheeks, Content warning: "Catherine", Content warning: William, Content warning: white people, F/F, F/M, Fictional ship, Gen, M/M, Multi, O purple mountains majesty, Other, The greatest work ever written in the English language, for all the beautiful monsters who shared navy-of-callow with me, shipfic
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-03-06
Updated: 2020-06-13
Packaged: 2021-02-28 19:29:29
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 1,539
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23032504
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Fayhem/pseuds/Kurt%20Vonnebutt
Summary: BUTTS
Relationships: Catherine Foundling/William of Greenbury | Lone Swordsman, Gods x Creation, Hunter x Hunter - Relationship, Intercessor | Wandering Bard/Tariq Isbili | Grey Pilgrim, William of Greenbury | Lone Swordsman/Simeon | Bumbling Conjurer | Conjurer
Comments: 13
Kudos: 29





	1. Content Warning: William

**Author's Note:**

  * For [ParTheAmoeba](https://archiveofourown.org/users/ParTheAmoeba/gifts), [jocky](https://archiveofourown.org/users/jocky/gifts).



William of Callow, the Lone Swordsman, stood atop the slate-grey rooftop of darkish stone tiles, looking totally rad. He watched his party amble down the dusty road like they hadn’t had a single care in the world, despite the extreme danger that he alone knew lurked around every corner, waiting for his eternal lonely vigilance to spot it out and save everyone. His gaze lingered on Simeon, the Bumbling Conjurer. Despite his Name, he was no dummy… but he was dummy thick. His butt rippled magnetically under his tight-fitting robe as he walked, like an amber field of grain being blown by a horny wind. “And I’m the farmer who’s going to plow that field,” he smirked erotically to himself.

“Checkin’ out Sim from above again, huh?” she slurred from behind him unexpectedly. “FUCK AN ENTIRE FLOCK OF DUCKS,” William whispered discreetly, falling watchfully onto his own butt to show that he wasn’t surprised and just felt like sitting down suddenly right then. His voice became deeper, like a well but with a child drowning in it because that’s hidden sadness. “I thought I told you never to sneak up on me again,” he admonished manfully, the intrinsic dignity of his eighteen full years of life (like everyone in the story, for legal reasons) lending his words gravity. The Bard just laughed like a hyena with a drinking problem who won’t get help. “Ha ha, you diiiid. But I’m druuuunk,” she ejaculated.

She was always drunk, like if an entire bar of alcoholics was one person that couldn’t carry a tune in a specially-designed tune sack. “Okay,” William sighed. “You can help me up,” he allowed. “WOOHOO!” Bard celebrated ecstatically, hitting him in the handsome face with her lute as she threw her hands over her head when she cheered for herself. “Ow,” William objected, rubbing his face admonishingly. Then the dramatic sound of explosions came from the road behind him and his fist clenched instead. “The _Squire_ ,” he whispered dramatically, rising to his own feet quickly.

William spun around, his bitchin’ leather coat flaring dramatically behind him like an eclipse made of coolness. Sure enough, it was Catherine Foundling alright, walking into the middle of the road as the dust from her announcement bombs cleared, with her orc standing behind her like a green cannibalistic basketball player, a full foot taller than her own six feet in height (the same as William’s, except for being four inches shorter than him because he’s the man). Her pale bosoms heaved in her low-cut full plate armor, a classic cunning villain distraction tactic that is tactically valid and justified by that. She looked up and bared her entire smile at William, like if her face was a party girl who just got thrown some beads at Mardi Gras and her teeth were her face’s boobs. “Surprise, bitches! I’m going to fuck you all up straight gangsta-style,” she squeaked.

Oh, it was so on. _Fully_ on.

**_To be continued...!_ **


	2. Content Warning: "Catherine" (Part 1)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Violence! With... fire?! Yes!

Catherine Foundling breathed through her face in anticipation. This was it. The _showdown_. Her calculating villain brain whirred as she calculated all the angles like that autistic guy from a beautiful mind if he was evil instead of just crazy. She shifted her stance as she stalked forward intently through the clearing dust of her announcement bombs, her tight-fitting plate armor creaking as it hugged her ample curves like an enthusiastic fan embracing a cosplayer, but respectfully so it’s okay and people should just be cool. Yes, this shit was gonna be _wack_.

Armor? On. Orc? Ready. Smile? Bared. “Surprise, bitches! I’m going to fuck you all up straight gangsta-style,” she squeaked menacingly. She watched in cool satisfaction, like an unstoppable glacier that knew what was up, as the Lone Swordsman dropped smoothly to the ground behind his band with his leather coat flaring out behind him like an erotic bat.

“Uh, not a chance!” the Lone Swordsman sneered handsomely from the front of his group where he was now. He was so dumb and pretty that it made Catherine furious with rage. “Uh, yuh-huh!” Catherine retorted wittily, angrily tossing back her long purple hair that she dyed that way in the orphanage’s big sink because she’s not like other girls but now it’s permanent because of Name powers. Her morally justified counter-sneer grew triumphantly as the Lone Swordsman was stumped for a reply to her brilliant banter, like a magnificent victory parade that gets even longer because of more triumph happening.

It was time. Time for her _plan_. “Hakram! Tell Masego to DO FIRE TO THEM NOW!” Catherine shouted commandingly. “Your wish is my command,” he gravelled coolly, like if the full output of a quarry where they mined badassitude took orders from Catherine because she was the best. “Apprentice, it’s time for the fire thing now,” he relayed through the magical communication stones they were all connected through. “Processing,” Masego monotoned because he’s an autistic and that’s basically the same as a robot I’m pretty sure. From 200 yards back atop the 100 foot observation tower that they had subtly erected the Apprentice flung his arms up magically. “EXPECTO NAPALM,” he incanted loudly because volume adds more magic to doing magic, like a rock concert rocking even harder but with fiery death for Catherine’s enemies. Catherine grinned with her entire smile when she was hearing it, because that was her plan happening.

Back in William’s band Thief contributed. “Oh shit,” she exclaimed helpfully. “Thank you for helping, Vivienne,” William returned magnanimously because that’s what leaders do. Vivienne blushed prettily because she’s shy and William’s very hot in a sexy way, her bosoms shifting demurely inside her leather corset that she wore to blend in at night because that’s what thieves do and so that’s a reasonable fashion choice. “You’re welcome,” she mumbled attractively around the toast in her mouth that she put back there after speaking before. She had been running late to hero work today because of all the night stuff that was mentioned before, like a hard-working intern but for the good kind of murder. Meanwhile the Bard was still drunk. They all knew the danger was extremely real and serious and would be there pretty soon… to kill them maybe?!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Stay tuned for the extremely thrilling conclusion of this chapter cliffhanger with
> 
> B  
> U  
> T  
> T  
> S


	3. Content Warning: "Catherine" (Part 2)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> IA! IA! CTHULHU BUTTAGN!

Catherine sneered hornily at this erotic banter that she knew wouldn’t help them because she planned for everything. “Give up! The magical goblin napalm that’s like goblinfire but more so will be here any second, and then you’re all going to die in the burning way, which is very bad!” she intimidated them menacingly. She chuckled quietly inside the privacy of her own mind, because in reality even if they gave up they would still catch on fire. Hakram chortled with her supportively, because that’s an Adjutant thing.

“Don’t worry fellow heroes, I know exactly what to do,” Simeon the Bumbling Conjurer intoned manfully in his deep manly baritone that was sexy as hell. He stepped forward purposefully to enact the plan he had just come up with on the spot because he’s a brilliant mage then tripped on a banana and fell forwards because he’s still Bumbling. But as he landed on his face with an aura of quiet dignity that only made him hotter, his butt cheeks clapped together magically and produced a blast wave of arcane force that dispersed the magical goblin napalm that was coming for the heroes and harmlessly set the rest of the neighborhood on fire instead. Because sometimes bumbling… is the smartest thing anyone could possibly do, which is a meaningful lesson that shows literary importance.

“What the actual fuck,” Catherine gesticulated reasonably, but with her mouth because it’s words. She reflected intelligently about how all those long hours of planning that she did earlier that morning just got swept away because heroes get bullshit luck powers and that retroactively justifies trying to murder them in the first place. Hakram nodded his head agreeingly because the Adjutant’s main thing is being supportive hence his Name.

Suddenly a beam of holy white light shone down on Simeon, illuminating him in a god way, like something from the Bible if the Bible was an anime. He rose up off his place where he was on the ground with levitating, because the holy energy was doing that since it was dramatic. “I accept,” he rumbled with his voice, speaking to nobody that could be seen by anyone, like a crazy homeless person but they’re like a prophet or something instead.

As he landed back on the ground he wasn’t on before because of the levitating Simeon exclaimed “William isn’t the only choir-sworn Hero you face now, Squire! Now I too am sworn… to the Choir of _Butts_.” William and the other heroes gasped from revelation as the prophecy was fulfilled before their faces and Simeon turned his back on the enemy to face them. “And so… I **Twerk** ,” Simeon taunted as he did so thunderously from his new aspect, buttcheeks clapping together with glorious holy power.  
  
“This is fucking bullshit,” Catherine squeaked outragedly as the entire city began to shake around her from the force of the hero’s aspect pulsing out powerfully over everything. Now? Now it was _fully_ on.

**_To be continued…?!_ **

**_Yes!_ **


End file.
